Nean sam sap !!! The eve of a new year !!! The year of the Rat !!! & this is my year !!! Yeah .... had always been looking forward and waited for this year... I'll have to wait another 12 years after this....
Today is slightly different from any other day .... there was no work today!! Yeah !! (happy) This morning is very precious.... itz the last day I cld hv, to clear my load of rubbish lying on the table of the home's living room. Itz a big challenge !!! Ask any of my pals who frequent my home.... they will readily agree !!
Off I went to the Jap grocery store, to get my stuff for my party as the next few days will be like ghost town everywhere. So I reckon I had better get watever I needed ... better be safe than sorry!!
Met my pals for lunch .... total 7 of us !!! Which used to be cool .... but today's lunch was like a lunch with 2 groups of people dining together with an invisible drawn at some point.
I dunno if U know wat I meant .... but I certainly felt it ..... it was for the very 1st time things get back to normal .... or shld I say ... trying to get back to normal. Anyway, I'm glad I tried !!! It makes a difference when U make an effort to try to .... The rest juz leave it to themselves and God to vindicate !!!
I realized I cld only enjoy when the existence of some no longer exist !!! So is that good or bad ??? I dunno ..... but I know that when a pottery cracks .... the crackline will always be there no matter how effective the supa glue u use !!! The cracklines cannot be invisible to the eye.
The next few days .... was more trying than I ever thot !!! Hey .... hv U ever had the feeling of being in a group of people and yet felt lonely & unwelcomed ??? Have U ever been told that things can only get better, that we are all adults & r able to handle it well ??? The past can be put behind .... Hv U ever been in a situation where Odds are against u ??? Even when U hv put in effort..... !!! Hv U ever felt U hv put in that effort but the only person who plays a magnet is repelling from U but heading t'wards the other pole ?? Hv U ever been out in a group when U dunno wat to say .... & the only person who holds the key to most conversations does not do anything about it & remain quiet !!!
This is my CNY !!! So wat do one do ??? juz blend in & be part of the fixture .... be seen & not heard !!! As reality sweeps in .... hey... this is the truth ...... One can do that much ..... One can care that much.... but the min U hv an expectation .... everything backs off and turns sour !! They only register wat U did and forgot wat U had done b4 ..... Itz sad !!! but this is the truth !!!
I dunno if I can go on & be part of this anymore ..... Will leaving mean U are a coward ??? or leaving means out of sight, out of mind ??? Hmm.... maybe by leaving one will no longer bear the guilt of being accused of causing the atmosphere to be tense !!!
The true disappointment is still MEN !!! They never say wat the meant .... they conceal how they feel ..... They all only care for self !!! YES .... a true disappointment indeed !!! We are but fallen beings ..... IGNORE-ance is bliss !!!
Monday, February 11, 2008
Monday, February 4, 2008
so valuable !!
I recalled 2 Fridaes ago.... I couldn't even bring myself to face you !! when the whole thing blew up !!
I wasnt exactly angry with u ... there was no reason for me to..... I was bitterly disappointed !!
Disappointed coz U hv to keep bringing up that statement.... I cannot buy that then .... & was awfully upset with u .... I felt so hurt ... Words juz cannot express the feeling I went thru then ....
I was so torn .... should I juz leave U forever or shld I stick on to u & treated nothing ever happened !! I couldnt think straight at that point !! It was liken a thousand missiles had attacked me in my mind and body ..... confused with the kind of pain I am going thru ....
I felt really blessed to have so many friends by my side with me .... and on my side .... I felt like ... Oh !! I have won this battle !!! but that was not what I really wanted .... I dun need everybody to be on my side .... I juz longed so much for - .... hiaz !!!
2 weeks passed .... & these 2 weeks hadnt been ok .... to start w/ it was never fun !! The outings I went seemed so fun and enjoyable .... but I couldnt feel it ... I juz smiled & laughed along with the rest of them .... but I felt the yr absence. Itz juz not the same !! Itz no longer like b4 !! I had somehow missed that particular laughter !! that particular grin, that particular glare ....
Was a bit tough in the very beginning ..... but thank God for HIS sovereign hand over this entire session.
Wat started as a closed-to-walk-off session ended with the alot of understanding and I'm glad it prevailed .... thru it I could only thank God for His presence was felt !!! The miracle of trusting in HIM and leaving everything into His hands.... in everything U do, begin with a lil' prayer together, that made that difference !!! God always watches over u !!!
Juz when one thot everything came to a close & finally saw light .... It is actually the beginning of a great test !!! A test that only God knows the result .....
To persevere & press on or move off and back off ..... ??? ???
I really do not know ..... I wished the ans cld juz fall on my lap .... I wished I cld hv the courage to do wat I wld do many years ago .....
No matter wat the decision is .... I only know one thing !!! The pain will always be there !!!
Wat started as a closed-to-walk-off session ended with the alot of understanding and I'm glad it prevailed .... thru it I could only thank God for His presence was felt !!! The miracle of trusting in HIM and leaving everything into His hands.... in everything U do, begin with a lil' prayer together, that made that difference !!! God always watches over u !!!
Juz when one thot everything came to a close & finally saw light .... It is actually the beginning of a great test !!! A test that only God knows the result .....
To persevere & press on or move off and back off ..... ??? ???
I really do not know ..... I wished the ans cld juz fall on my lap .... I wished I cld hv the courage to do wat I wld do many years ago .....
No matter wat the decision is .... I only know one thing !!! The pain will always be there !!!
Saturday, January 26, 2008
and then HE spoke .....
| He can turn the tides And calm the angry sea. He alone decides Who writes a symphony. He lights ev'ry star That makes our darkness bright. He keeps watch all through Each long and lonely night. He still finds the time To hear a child's first prayer. Saint or sinner call And always find Him there. Refrain: He can grant a wish Richard Mullen |
Thursday, January 24, 2008
The day I finally saw light !!
23 Jan, Wed 2008 -
A great day it was ... not only was it the birthday of my good pal, Mrs Lim, it was also the day I saw light !!
Light that shine thru my mind .... lighten the loads off my mind !! All kinds of light.... Hmm .. bet U muz be wondering are there so many different types of light ?? the only difference one would know will be the different voltages !! But if ever U had been in my position ... U will knw wat I mean.
I had been cluttered in my thots for there about 5 days or so .... but I was glad I took the advice of friends to meet up higher authority & spoke with them ....
that's where U finally see light ... because U sought light !!
My session was a 3 hr long session !!! yes... it was a long one indeed !! I spoke, they spoke... & prayed !! the heart pouring session was so fantatsic !!! especially after so much rubbish had been loaded in my mind for the past few days, itz unload time !!
No more numbness.... No more Anger... No more disappointments.... No more resentment....
For all these have been released to HIM almighty !!! RELEASED !!!
At the end of the session, I felt so tired .... but relieved !!
That nite, I wanted to hv an early nite !!! But then an sms came ... "hey, I'm at church... wanna do teh tarik ?? I'll swing by & pick u ..." cool I tot .. go out for a breather b4 I call it a nite !!
That nite as I was about to sleep .... alot of things crossed thru my mind !! one by one ... I began to ask God !! & thanking HIM in ALL circumstances !!
Glory be to God !! For HE is great ... HE does mighty wonders !!
A great day it was ... not only was it the birthday of my good pal, Mrs Lim, it was also the day I saw light !!
Light that shine thru my mind .... lighten the loads off my mind !! All kinds of light.... Hmm .. bet U muz be wondering are there so many different types of light ?? the only difference one would know will be the different voltages !! But if ever U had been in my position ... U will knw wat I mean.
I had been cluttered in my thots for there about 5 days or so .... but I was glad I took the advice of friends to meet up higher authority & spoke with them ....
that's where U finally see light ... because U sought light !!
My session was a 3 hr long session !!! yes... it was a long one indeed !! I spoke, they spoke... & prayed !! the heart pouring session was so fantatsic !!! especially after so much rubbish had been loaded in my mind for the past few days, itz unload time !!
No more numbness.... No more Anger... No more disappointments.... No more resentment....
For all these have been released to HIM almighty !!! RELEASED !!!
At the end of the session, I felt so tired .... but relieved !!
That nite, I wanted to hv an early nite !!! But then an sms came ... "hey, I'm at church... wanna do teh tarik ?? I'll swing by & pick u ..." cool I tot .. go out for a breather b4 I call it a nite !!
That nite as I was about to sleep .... alot of things crossed thru my mind !! one by one ... I began to ask God !! & thanking HIM in ALL circumstances !!
Glory be to God !! For HE is great ... HE does mighty wonders !!
Monday, January 21, 2008
Hurt to Anger !!! Itz unbelievable !! Yet true !!!
Today I wanted to pick my pictures from your profile !!! Only to realize it has been removed !!! This is purely childish !!! And they are my pics !!!
Here I am trying to come to terms and getting myself prepared for the worst !!! & tat is the loss the of yr friendship ..... which till this day I still value ...... I must have been some fool !!!
I couldn't believe what I discovered ..... When good times..... the excitement and enthusiasm to post the pics was felt ...... and now that we hv reached a slightly rocky patch - it is removed !!!
I'm disappointed !!! not disappointed that my pics are no longer found ..... rather the disappointment of a person's true character surfaced !!! I muz hv been blinded all this while to be unable to see that true you !!!
It is during the tough times that you see a person's true character !!! How true .....
the hurt has turned to anger !!! anger I have never felt !!!
Here I am trying to come to terms and getting myself prepared for the worst !!! & tat is the loss the of yr friendship ..... which till this day I still value ...... I must have been some fool !!!
I couldn't believe what I discovered ..... When good times..... the excitement and enthusiasm to post the pics was felt ...... and now that we hv reached a slightly rocky patch - it is removed !!!
I'm disappointed !!! not disappointed that my pics are no longer found ..... rather the disappointment of a person's true character surfaced !!! I muz hv been blinded all this while to be unable to see that true you !!!
It is during the tough times that you see a person's true character !!! How true .....
the hurt has turned to anger !!! anger I have never felt !!!
The New Year !! - The Blessed one !!
18 days into the new year & I had my greatest showdown for the year.... the day if tears worthed $$, I would be richie rich ... anyway, jokes aside !! That day was labelled the MOMENT OF TRUTH !!!
It was a day where everything kept within burst.... a day where feelings no longer need to be hidden .... a day, a moment in time, I learnt The Truth not only hurts ... it crushes all the dreams that you once had !!
I remember that fateful day, the msn message bore much truth in almost every sentence. It was the day I was told all this while there was nothing but friendship with someone whom I liked.... well, that's not all, after that message had gotten across so clearly, the fella wanted to meet me almost the next hour & wanted to talk to me in person. Was there a need ?? crossed my mind. Wasn't it already painful enough to get that message across on MSN without having to face the person ? Wouldn't it be worst to hear it right to yr ears, in front of your face ? Wouldnt there be an outburst of tears that may eventually "flood" the table or chairs I might be sitting on ? Do I need to go through this humiliation of being rejected right into my face ?? Like "I only treated you as my friend all these while" smacked right into my face !! Those words typed... weren't they clear enough ?? - Yes !! I got the message !! so what more is needed to be said ??
That moment was like a dagger thrusted into your heart .... the heart sank, dropped, broken !! The eyes ... filled w/ tears !! Non-stop !!Like some tap was faulty. I juz needed to be alone .... clear my thoughts and juz be normal. As I met a friend for late lunch, I had to be normal, as I met my boss & her client, be normal !! However much I hid, my face tells it all ... my friend asked - Aei .. U didnt sleep enuff arr?? My boss's asked - is everything OK ?? her client too asked U OK ?? U dun look good !! Ha... it sure wasnt easy, putting on a smile to ward them off !! but I did it .... no one knew wat I went thru ....
Except for my closer pals who recieved CNN coverage over short sms !! They were shocked !! & exclaimed - "what happened ?" I juz couldnt manage myself after awhile ... enough of portraying that strong babe !! I had to feel crushed .... had to feel the impact of the cause !! Oh please !! leave me alone .... it didnt help by U calling !! It just made me felt worst !! I couldnt pretend anymore !! I cannot bring myself to face someone once so dear, & had to accept the fact that my hopes were dashed by now ..... I'm no supa woman !!! I can only put on an act for a lil' moment !! & my true self returns !!!
That nite I was unable to continue what I had to do & which I was looking forward to do ..... having spent time preparing it & was so confident to project it .... I had to call it quits .... I juz couldnt face U tonite !!! Nor the people in it ..... I juz had to skip CC tonite !!!
Aid arrived at 6+.... a familiar face, a firm hug .... a warm touch !!! That brighten me a lil'..... tat nite I felt so much better w/ the comfort of my close friends. They were with me late despite their tiredness, & have an early day next. I truly appreciate their pressence !! They gave me directions & I began to see a lil' light .... Thru them I knw how God usually sends people in your life to minister to u .... The times when U r downest & they are around u ... is the greatest comfort one cld recieve !!
That nite, or should I say morning, as I returned back to my nest, It got me thinking ....
Dear Lord,
It's 18 days into 2008, what is it U r trying to tell me by making me going thru this .... what have U in store for me ahead that need me to be so hurt? What plans do U hv for me ?? It'z only the beginning of 2008 !!! I knw it is beyond my understanding.... but I rattled on .... I know HE has BIG plans for me !!! But what ??
Even as I quieten myself before HIM .... alot of past memories flashed back .... itz like what I had gone thru b4 in the past .... but this is nothing compared to what happened some 4 years back .... Is God making me do a re-test ?? I dunno .... but I was sure I could handle it so much better this time .... Thanking God for this incident ..... in every circumstances, Thank GOD !! Praise HIM !! I may not know why I am being put thru this .... but as I look back into my past I could understand why I went thru it .... painful ... so many times more than now .... But it only made me a more matured person ... so in every circumstances, Thank GOD !!
The Pineapples arrived at the gate .... in the wee hours of the morn !!
I seeked HIM .... on this issue !! Waking up the next day with a lighter and mended heart.... & yes.. I felt the nudge to hear u out..... before decisions on my end are made .... I called for a meeting w/ u to hear from u!! One last time ..... to me - in all fairness, before an execution happens, grant them tat last air time !! You declined !! I saw yr declination as placing no priority over this matter .... so I will rest my case !!! Sometimes pride does get in the way !!
I left it that way with a heavy heart .... Time to let go .....
This friendship meant so much to me, once upon a time !!! even it could not be brought to another higher level, I will cherish it .... Itz still tat valuable .....
Dinners are will never be the same again !!! The crack is inevitable .... allow God to mend it back .... Only His mighty Hands can mend it back .... Taking a time out period fm U .... a period of fasting n praying till I next see U w/ a cleared mind ....
Rest Assured U will be kept closely in my prayer !! coz u were once and will always be tat rare gem HE had placed in my life !!! A gem I carry w/ me a lifetime ....
It was a day where everything kept within burst.... a day where feelings no longer need to be hidden .... a day, a moment in time, I learnt The Truth not only hurts ... it crushes all the dreams that you once had !!
I remember that fateful day, the msn message bore much truth in almost every sentence. It was the day I was told all this while there was nothing but friendship with someone whom I liked.... well, that's not all, after that message had gotten across so clearly, the fella wanted to meet me almost the next hour & wanted to talk to me in person. Was there a need ?? crossed my mind. Wasn't it already painful enough to get that message across on MSN without having to face the person ? Wouldn't it be worst to hear it right to yr ears, in front of your face ? Wouldnt there be an outburst of tears that may eventually "flood" the table or chairs I might be sitting on ? Do I need to go through this humiliation of being rejected right into my face ?? Like "I only treated you as my friend all these while" smacked right into my face !! Those words typed... weren't they clear enough ?? - Yes !! I got the message !! so what more is needed to be said ??
That moment was like a dagger thrusted into your heart .... the heart sank, dropped, broken !! The eyes ... filled w/ tears !! Non-stop !!Like some tap was faulty. I juz needed to be alone .... clear my thoughts and juz be normal. As I met a friend for late lunch, I had to be normal, as I met my boss & her client, be normal !! However much I hid, my face tells it all ... my friend asked - Aei .. U didnt sleep enuff arr?? My boss's asked - is everything OK ?? her client too asked U OK ?? U dun look good !! Ha... it sure wasnt easy, putting on a smile to ward them off !! but I did it .... no one knew wat I went thru ....
Except for my closer pals who recieved CNN coverage over short sms !! They were shocked !! & exclaimed - "what happened ?" I juz couldnt manage myself after awhile ... enough of portraying that strong babe !! I had to feel crushed .... had to feel the impact of the cause !! Oh please !! leave me alone .... it didnt help by U calling !! It just made me felt worst !! I couldnt pretend anymore !! I cannot bring myself to face someone once so dear, & had to accept the fact that my hopes were dashed by now ..... I'm no supa woman !!! I can only put on an act for a lil' moment !! & my true self returns !!!
That nite I was unable to continue what I had to do & which I was looking forward to do ..... having spent time preparing it & was so confident to project it .... I had to call it quits .... I juz couldnt face U tonite !!! Nor the people in it ..... I juz had to skip CC tonite !!!
Aid arrived at 6+.... a familiar face, a firm hug .... a warm touch !!! That brighten me a lil'..... tat nite I felt so much better w/ the comfort of my close friends. They were with me late despite their tiredness, & have an early day next. I truly appreciate their pressence !! They gave me directions & I began to see a lil' light .... Thru them I knw how God usually sends people in your life to minister to u .... The times when U r downest & they are around u ... is the greatest comfort one cld recieve !!
That nite, or should I say morning, as I returned back to my nest, It got me thinking ....
Dear Lord,
It's 18 days into 2008, what is it U r trying to tell me by making me going thru this .... what have U in store for me ahead that need me to be so hurt? What plans do U hv for me ?? It'z only the beginning of 2008 !!! I knw it is beyond my understanding.... but I rattled on .... I know HE has BIG plans for me !!! But what ??
Even as I quieten myself before HIM .... alot of past memories flashed back .... itz like what I had gone thru b4 in the past .... but this is nothing compared to what happened some 4 years back .... Is God making me do a re-test ?? I dunno .... but I was sure I could handle it so much better this time .... Thanking God for this incident ..... in every circumstances, Thank GOD !! Praise HIM !! I may not know why I am being put thru this .... but as I look back into my past I could understand why I went thru it .... painful ... so many times more than now .... But it only made me a more matured person ... so in every circumstances, Thank GOD !!
The Pineapples arrived at the gate .... in the wee hours of the morn !!
I seeked HIM .... on this issue !! Waking up the next day with a lighter and mended heart.... & yes.. I felt the nudge to hear u out..... before decisions on my end are made .... I called for a meeting w/ u to hear from u!! One last time ..... to me - in all fairness, before an execution happens, grant them tat last air time !! You declined !! I saw yr declination as placing no priority over this matter .... so I will rest my case !!! Sometimes pride does get in the way !!
I left it that way with a heavy heart .... Time to let go .....
This friendship meant so much to me, once upon a time !!! even it could not be brought to another higher level, I will cherish it .... Itz still tat valuable .....
Dinners are will never be the same again !!! The crack is inevitable .... allow God to mend it back .... Only His mighty Hands can mend it back .... Taking a time out period fm U .... a period of fasting n praying till I next see U w/ a cleared mind ....
Rest Assured U will be kept closely in my prayer !! coz u were once and will always be tat rare gem HE had placed in my life !!! A gem I carry w/ me a lifetime ....
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