CNY Blues !!!

Nean sam sap !!! The eve of a new year !!! The year of the Rat !!! & this is my year !!! Yeah .... had always been looking forward and waited for this year... I'll have to wait another 12 years after this....

Today is slightly different from any other day .... there was no work today!! Yeah !! (happy) This morning is very precious.... itz the last day I cld hv, to clear my load of rubbish lying on the table of the home's living room. Itz a big challenge !!! Ask any of my pals who frequent my home.... they will readily agree !!

Off I went to the Jap grocery store, to get my stuff for my party as the next few days will be like ghost town everywhere. So I reckon I had better get watever I needed ... better be safe than sorry!!
Met my pals for lunch .... total 7 of us !!! Which used to be cool .... but today's lunch was like a lunch with 2 groups of people dining together with an invisible drawn at some point.
I dunno if U know wat I meant .... but I certainly felt it ..... it was for the very 1st time things get back to normal .... or shld I say ... trying to get back to normal. Anyway, I'm glad I tried !!! It makes a difference when U make an effort to try to .... The rest juz leave it to themselves and God to vindicate !!!

I realized I cld only enjoy when the existence of some no longer exist !!! So is that good or bad ??? I dunno ..... but I know that when a pottery cracks .... the crackline will always be there no matter how effective the supa glue u use !!! The cracklines cannot be invisible to the eye.

The next few days .... was more trying than I ever thot !!! Hey .... hv U ever had the feeling of being in a group of people and yet felt lonely & unwelcomed ??? Have U ever been told that things can only get better, that we are all adults & r able to handle it well ??? The past can be put behind .... Hv U ever been in a situation where Odds are against u ??? Even when U hv put in effort..... !!! Hv U ever felt U hv put in that effort but the only person who plays a magnet is repelling from U but heading t'wards the other pole ?? Hv U ever been out in a group when U dunno wat to say .... & the only person who holds the key to most conversations does not do anything about it & remain quiet !!!

This is my CNY !!! So wat do one do ??? juz blend in & be part of the fixture .... be seen & not heard !!! As reality sweeps in .... hey... this is the truth ...... One can do that much ..... One can care that much.... but the min U hv an expectation .... everything backs off and turns sour !! They only register wat U did and forgot wat U had done b4 ..... Itz sad !!! but this is the truth !!!

I dunno if I can go on & be part of this anymore ..... Will leaving mean U are a coward ??? or leaving means out of sight, out of mind ??? Hmm.... maybe by leaving one will no longer bear the guilt of being accused of causing the atmosphere to be tense !!!

The true disappointment is still MEN !!! They never say wat the meant .... they conceal how they feel ..... They all only care for self !!! YES .... a true disappointment indeed !!! We are but fallen beings ..... IGNORE-ance is bliss !!!

so valuable !!

I recalled 2 Fridaes ago.... I couldn't even bring myself to face you !! when the whole thing blew up !!

I wasnt exactly angry with u ... there was no reason for me to..... I was bitterly disappointed !!

Disappointed coz U hv to keep bringing up that statement.... I cannot buy that then .... & was awfully upset with u .... I felt so hurt ... Words juz cannot express the feeling I went thru then ....

I was so torn .... should I juz leave U forever or shld I stick on to u & treated nothing ever happened !! I couldnt think straight at that point !! It was liken a thousand missiles had attacked me in my mind and body ..... confused with the kind of pain I am going thru ....

I felt really blessed to have so many friends by my side with me .... and on my side .... I felt like ... Oh !! I have won this battle !!! but that was not what I really wanted .... I dun need everybody to be on my side .... I juz longed so much for - .... hiaz !!!

2 weeks passed .... & these 2 weeks hadnt been ok .... to start w/ it was never fun !! The outings I went seemed so fun and enjoyable .... but I couldnt feel it ... I juz smiled & laughed along with the rest of them .... but I felt the yr absence. Itz juz not the same !! Itz no longer like b4 !! I had somehow missed that particular laughter !! that particular grin, that particular glare ....

Two Fridaes later, aftr 2 week long of fasting and praying (seeking God for a clearer mind) We finally met !!! The preparation for this discussion begun days ahead.....

Was a bit tough in the very beginning ..... but thank God for HIS sovereign hand over this entire session.
Wat started as a closed-to-walk-off session ended with the alot of understanding and I'm glad it prevailed .... thru it I could only thank God for His presence was felt !!! The miracle of trusting in HIM and leaving everything into His hands.... in everything U do, begin with a lil' prayer together, that made that difference !!! God always watches over u !!!

Juz when one thot everything came to a close & finally saw light .... It is actually the beginning of a great test !!! A test that only God knows the result .....

To persevere & press on or move off and back off ..... ??? ???
I really do not know ..... I wished the ans cld juz fall on my lap .... I wished I cld hv the courage to do wat I wld do many years ago .....

No matter wat the decision is .... I only know one thing !!! The pain will always be there !!!